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I'm sure everyone knows it at this point, but Michael Jackson passed away this afternoon. I heard about it almost as soon as it happened, but have been out all day and unable to write. Being away for a while gave me some time to let the thoughts percolate, though. I've kept my feelings about him bottled up for several years, and I feel like if any time is prudent to let them out, now would be it.

This is the saddest I've been over a celebrity dying since Douglas Adams. This is only the second time I've been close to tears over it, too (I cried when Mr. Adams died). Michael Jackson has had a long, tragic life that ended far too soon. I'm still secretly hoping that this is a hoax, or that he gets resuscitated. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat, screaming "BUT HE'S A CRAZY PEDOPHILE", "LOL PLASTIC SURGERY", or the one that my dad keeps spitting out, "HE ACTUALLY GOT HIT BY A BUS AFTER HE BENT OVER TO PICK UP HIS NOSE! ...'CAUSE IT FELL OFF! ...GET IT?!!", let me put MY spin on it. I think that there's a big piece of the story missing that the mainstream can't understand.

It's my personal belief that Michael was some form of infantilist. I can't say whether it was by choice, in an attempt to reclaim the innocence of childhood that his father never let him have, or if his past trauma caused him to regress to a childlike state as a defense mechanism, but I don't think that it was ever a negative thing. Michael had a purity that very few people can ever hope to come close to. He was extremely intelligent from a very young age, and I think that caused him to see a lot of the pain and strife in the world - including in his own family. His father was cruel, beating him and his siblings whenever they would cry, or say they were tired, or that they didn't want to practice anymore. It seems to me that the only time his father was positive towards them was when their skill in music was being showcased, and there's not even any solid evidence that he was happy with them then.

It makes perfect sense that Michael began to associate happiness and success with performing music, which drove him to become the King of Pop that we all grew to love. That's what he was taught, from the time he was able to use his voice onward. He completely skipped all of the developmental stages where he would have experimented and grown to find what truly made him happy, because he enjoyed music, and that's what he knew he was supposed to do. His mission in life was to entertain, and he wasn't allowed to be happy unless he was performing.

Obviously, this led to a void in his life. Michael never had time to make friends or even learn appropriate social behaviors, because that was time that could have been better spent making music. He also never had time to learn that there are truly negative people in the world, who will manipulate anyone they can in order to feel superior. I think it took him most of his life to realize that his father was one of those people. I'm not even sure that he ever came to terms with that, since typically, he couldn't even bring himself to speak about him. He preferred to block it out, and go back to the things that made him happy.

As stated before, Michael was an extremely intelligent person, and with intelligence often comes sharpened perception and people-reading skills. He despised the cruel nature that most people carry. He probably saw reflections of his father in most adults that he came to know, when all he really wanted was innocence. He wanted to escape human society and flee into a fantasy world, and unlike most people, he was wealthy enough to make it happen.

He crafted his escape from the echoes of his father in the form of Neverland Ranch, where he could stay a child forever, free of all the responsibilities and emotional stress of America and it's dog-eat-dog entertainment business. He could invite what he believed to be the truly good people of the world to stay with him -- Children who hadn't yet matured enough to be corrupted by society. Michael was determined to be a living Peter Pan, and recreate the story as close as he could. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that society would interpret it in a completely different light.

Obviously socially stunted, with no mentor to teach him how to behave around other people when not in the spotlight, the red flags slipped right under his nose (no pun intended). His love of children was brotherly and platonic: anything but sexual. It was a desire for pure, fun, happy times, free of prejudice and criticism. He absolutely could not comprehend how it might seem inappropriate to the outside world, and that was part of his downfall. To him, he was bonding with people that he felt safe and identified with. He was never a sexual creature, especially not in regards to children. He interpreted sexuality as part of the cruel, abusive Adult World that he never understood and was trying to forget. Michael was setting himself up in a real-life hugbox, as best as he could.

Unfortunately for him, people around the world are rabidly protective of their children, and understandably so. There are strange folks everywhere, with mental illnesses and other issues that make kidnapping, pedophilia, and child pornography a constant fear. In this day and age, anyone who looks at a child the wrong way can and will be accused of child abuse. Michael's already abnormal outlook on life, strange physical transformation (which I also believe was an attempt to escape seeing his father in the mirror), and his involvement with children at Neverland Ranch were like a perfectly orchestrated domino setup just waiting to be knocked over.

It was eventually pushed to collapse, of course, by the prodding finger of the infamous child molestation cases of '93 and '94. Once a seed of that magnitude is planted, it's impossible to uproot. The jokes and rumors spread like weeds and permanently lodged themselves into the pop culture of the next two decades, as the world that never understood Michael began to criticize his every move. He ended up placed in front of a jury not of his peers, but of outright enemies that couldn't get inside his head. Not many people can comprehend the idea that there might be a person emotionally and socially broken in a fashion that actually makes them MORE harmless than before, which, in my opinion, is what happened to Michael. He may have been irresponsible, and he may have lacked forethought due to his mental regression, but he was never malicious or harmful. Sadly, the world will never understand that.

For several years, I had been planning to one day write a letter to Michael, explaining to him that I think I understand the way that he feels. I wanted him to know that there was someone else in the world that likes to regress the way he does - I don't expect that he'd ever actually investigate if it was 'normal' to want to surround himself with childlike things to try and run away from the world that hurt him. He was too far regressed to even consider it... so hearing it from another person might have been beneficial. Everyone regresses - Personally, I take time out of every day to watch cartoons and play games I loved as a kid. One huge example would be Sonic The Hedgehog 3, which despite beating several times, I still play daily. The game helped me to appreciate Mr. Jackson's music, too. He composed a great deal of it before being controversially being dismissed from the project right around the same time as the child abuse accusations began.

Everyone in the world is "guilty" of indulging in nostalgia and attempting to reclaim things that they lost, for whatever reason, be it listening to that old mixtape from the time you roadtripped in college, keeping a favorite teddy bear in your bed to snuggle when you don't feel well, or watching a movie you loved as a kid to cheer yourself up. It's just that most of us have not been emotionally and socially shattered to the point where we don't understand that there's a time and place for everything, and sometimes you need to face reality and hide your comfort items.

I'll agree that all the smears and jokes that say Michael Jackson wasn't human are true. He wasn't a being of this society, or any other on our planet. He was something completely different, and most certainly alien to this society, that none of us will ever fully be able to understand -- He was innocent.

RIP Michael Jackson, August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009.
You changed my life. I'm sorry I couldn't change yours.

_{xposted to NFO and FA}

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1183016/Is-Dog-o-Matic-owners-best-friend.html

I don't give a fuck, this is animal cruelty. Terrifying your pet because you're too lazy to put on shorts and sandals and spray them with a hose and rub some shampoo on them (which they'll have fun with, and if not, they have you there to comfort them)? Come on. How fucking lazy can you be? That animal doesn't know what's going on other than "Master put me in a tiny box. :( AAAH LOUD NOISES. AHH I'M BEING SPRAYED WITH SOMETHING. WHAT IS GOING ON."

God damn, people.

This actually bothers me so much I'm crossposting it publicly to both FA and LJ. >:( seriously wow.


EDIT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qymxCMz3Uzo the cat at the end D: it actually makes me feel vaguely ill, ugh

Laptop is fixed. Life/brain/etc is not.

IS THERE A WORD FOR "PAST", "PRESENT", AND "FUTURE" COLLECTIVELY?

This is in reference to the Quetz/Tindalos story, if anyone wondered.
More info on that here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2125626/

( Read more... )

I semi-permanently turned my phone off and stopped using messengers exactly one week ago.

I'm still reading, just not posting anything because all the bullshit going on in my personal life (online and off) is not really going to be good for anyone to read, let alone for me to further think about by writing.


I am slowly tourniqueting off everything that's been destroying me over the years. When I'm completely empty, I think maybe I can start over again.




where do you move when what you're moving from
is yourself

So, the tablet Rask graciously lent to me came today... I installed it, downloaded the current drivers, rebooted, and everything else... and it isn't working right. it works, sort of, but the pen is jerky and it seems like it lags when i try to draw a line. Like it takes a second for it to realize that I'm touching the pad. It's making it impossible to draw.

It's a Wacom Graphire2 (steel blue if that matters)
I'm using Windows Vista.

Nothing I've googled has helped, nothing on Wacom's site has helped. I'm just trying to draw in MSpaint at this point. Not worried about pressure sensitivity or anything. Halp?

Xposted to FA, sorry if you saw this twice :(

Poll #1330171 home state
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

What state do you live in?

How do you feel about the state you live in?

Is it your home state?

If no, what is your home state?

How do you feel about your home state?

to those of you wondering why i've been scarce, well, i won't sugarcoat it, things here are bad. the few entries I've made have been super filtered lately. don't take it personally.

as another one of my friends said, "see you on the flip side". i'll still be around but i won't be social or active. all commissions etc will be processed as normal to the best of my ability.

for the people that keep asking, I DON'T KNOW. my living situation is still up the air. obviously there'll be an announcement or something when I figure out what I'm doing. Leaning towards one particular place (not in wisconsin, not in colorado) but it's nowhere near decided.


and yes, my kitty is fine and happy, throughout all of this, is with me and can come with me wherever i go, and is healthy and fed and playful... so to the one count i heard of some tard crying animal abuse on me... uh, fuck you. Maybe I can't take care of myself, but i take care of my animals.



this post will be made private when it's irrelevant, but it's up for now just to let people know that I'm in a bad place, as always, blah blah blah I know, but it's relatively serious now. if you really REALLY want more information feel free to email me, techno att robocoon dott net, but other than that i'm not going to be around "in public" on the internet aside from to handle commissions for a while.

I departed to come into Pittsburgh on the eve of it's 250th birthday. I travelled for a full 24 hours by bus, getting lost and re-routed and found again. Driving through the country, and then the suburbs, and then the outer city, before finally entering the Fort Pitt tunnel after a day long drive was like moving at light speed. The combination of the echoing roar of engines, the flashing lights, and the arc-shaped struts along the ceiling made it feel like moving through a wormhole and picking up more and more and more speed... And suddenly you breach, the rush is gone, the walls and ground drop out from underneath you, and you're in front of the most beautiful, massive, gleaming quasar in the entire universe. All of the lights of every building reflected off every bit of the rivers' mosaic, refracting over and over again and making an endless bed of stars. It might have been the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. No matter where I live, this will always be home.